“Growth doesn’t just happen, it starts with the expectations we set for others and ourselves.”
Expectations of Ourselves
We tend to carry heavy standards for who we “should” be and what we “should” achieve. These internal expectations can motivate us, but they can also create shame if we fall short. By being intentional, we shift from unrealistic pressure to purposeful progress. Instead of asking, “Am I doing enough?” we can ask, “Am I growing in the right direction for me?”
Expectations of Others
It’s natural to hope that people will meet us with the same energy, love, or support that we give them. But unspoken expectations often breed resentment. Being intentional means pausing to check: Am I expecting them to be who I want them to be, or allowing them to be who they are?
When we let go of assumptions and communicate clearly, we create room for authentic connection.
How It Shapes Growth
Intentional expectations don’t guarantee smooth paths, but they help us avoid unnecessary roadblocks. They allow us to:
- Measure progress by alignment with values, not perfection.
- Celebrate small wins instead of overlooking them.
- Build healthier relationships by giving grace instead of silent judgment.
When we shift our perspective, growth feels less like chasing a finish line and more like embracing a process.
What Research Shows
Studies in psychology have shown that the gap between what we expect and what actually happens is one of the biggest drivers of disappointment. This is often called the expectation gap and when it’s too wide, it fuels frustration instead of growth.
On the flip side, research on the Pygmalion Effect shows that expectations can be powerful in a good way too. When teachers or leaders expect more, people often rise to meet the challenge. That same principle applies to us personally: intentional expectations can push us to stretch without breaking.
But here’s the catch, if our expectations slide into perfectionism, they can backfire. High, unrealistic standards are strongly linked to burnout, anxiety, and even depression. The sweet spot is setting goals that challenge us while still leaving space for imperfection.
Psychology Today published “The Danger of Expectations: How They Shape Our Lives”. It explains how when expectations become unrealistic, they can lead to disappointment, stress, and strained relationships. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/putting-psychology-into-practice/202501/the-danger-of-expectations-how-they-shape-our-lives
Intentional expectations
- Intentional expectations = fewer blindspots. You’re not just hoping for the best, you’ve thought it through.
- They help you set realistic standards. You avoid burning out or stalling mid-way.
- They create space for imperfection. Reality might not match the plan and that’s okay.
- They keep you present. When you’re obsessed with some future goal, expecting things to be perfect, you miss the growth happening right now.
Growth starts with truth
I’ll be honest, sometimes I’ve caught myself expecting too much in my relationship. Like those moments when I thought my girlfriend should just know what I needed without me saying a word. Maybe I had a rough day at work and expected her to notice and comfort me, or I assumed she’d handle something around the house without me asking.
When she didn’t, I’d feel disappointed, even a little upset. But looking back, it wasn’t fair! I never actually voiced what I needed. I expected her to anticipate it, and when she didn’t, I made it seem like she didn’t care. That expectation created unnecessary tension, when really, a simple conversation could have solved it.
What I learned is this: unspoken expectations are almost guaranteed to turn into frustration. People aren’t mind readers, and holding them to invisible standards only blocks the growth of the relationship and honestly, my own growth too.
Now, I want to hear from you:
- Have you ever set the bar so high for yourself that it left you feeling drained instead of motivated?
- Which is harder for you; managing your expectations of yourself, or of other people?
- What’s one expectation you’ve recently had to adjust, and how did it change your perspective?
- How do you remind yourself to stay flexible when things don’t go as planned?
Drop your thoughts in the comments, this is a space for honesty, not perfection.
Final Thoughts
Being intentional with expectations doesn’t mean lowering your standards. It means creating space for growth without letting unmet “shoulds” weigh you down. Set expectations that stretch you, not break you.
Keep growing, keep showing up—and remember, you’re Grown AF. 🌱
Comments
Questions:
Have you ever set the bar so high for yourself that it left you feeling drained instead of motivated?
I’m super hard on myself daily to obtain a sense of accomplishment each day. I feel guilty when I just rest so I’m learning to just set one intention for the day instead of draining myself to achieve everything I have set for myself.
Which is harder for you; managing your expectations of yourself, or of other people?
I expect a lot from others (friends and family) based on me being such a giving person, and I’ve come to realize that expecting others to love and give the way I do will never compare. It’s been taught to me that’s it’s always better to give, than to recieve so I tend to to give give give and my expectations to receive tend to let me down so I’m learning to stop and communicate my needs more. Also big on reciprocity! If it’s not worth my energy I no longer give! So probably harder on others than myself with expectations.
What’s one expectation you’ve recently had to adjust, and how did it change your perspective?
Expecting my man to know how I feel when I haven’t voiced it. I’m definitely working on it. I’m not one to ask people for ANYTHING so changing that perspective is still a struggle and I’m trying hard to adjust.
How do you remind yourself to stay flexible when things don’t go as planned?
I take a deep breath and remind myself that expectations get you no where. Just say how you feel. (Unfortunately I tend to stay mute) – something else I’m working on.
Author
Welcome, Zara! We’re so glad to have you here. Thank you for being so open, it takes courage to share the way you did. I can definitely relate to a lot of what you said.
About setting the bar too high, yes! I’ve been there. I’ve had times where instead of feeling motivated, I felt completely drained and even guilty for slowing down. Learning to focus on one main intention a day (like you mentioned) has really helped me too. Sometimes less really is more.
As for expectations, I also find it harder managing them with others. When you’re naturally a giver, it’s tough when that energy doesn’t get matched. I’ve had to learn that my worth isn’t tied to how much I give, and it’s okay to communicate needs instead of silently hoping they’ll be met.
One expectation I’ve had to adjust recently is thinking people should “just know” how I feel without me saying it. Like you, I’ve realized it’s not fair to expect mind reading, voicing feelings respectfully is key.
And when things don’t go as planned? I usually remind myself that flexibility is a form of strength. Taking a pause, breathing, and asking “What’s the lesson here?” keeps me from spiraling or as the kids say “crashing out”.
I’d love to ask you:
When you do communicate your needs, do you feel lighter after, or does it still feel uncomfortable?
What’s been the hardest part about learning to give yourself the same grace you give others?
Do you think guilt and expectations are tied together in your journey?
Yes! I too have been guilty of having unspoken expectations from my partner in the past. I also voiced my concerns and may have been harsh at times. I’ve since then learned to give him the grace that I too sometimes need.Not just my partner but friends and family. I DO however make my expectations/boundaries clear…. Respectfully of course 😊
Author
Welcome, Knappy! 👋 Thanks for opening up and sharing this! What you said really resonates. I’ve definitely been guilty of holding unspoken expectations in my relationships too, and it took me some time to realize how much that weighed on me and others. Giving grace is something I’m still learning, not just with a partner, but with friends and family as well.
I really appreciate how you mentioned making expectations and boundaries clear while still being respectful, that balance is powerful.
How do you share your expectations without sounding harsh?
Do you think expectations & boundaries are the same thing?
What’s one expectation you’ve adjusted that really improved your relationships?